Harry Potter and the Badly Written Try at Humor
by Ravenclawizard
Summary: This is a humor fic (duh) about Harry, Ron and the rest in their fifth-year. A prank pulled by Fred and George demands revenge. Some kissing but that\'s about it. *Chapter 3 is finally up! Stop reading this! Stop it! Jut go read the story now...I mean it!
1. It begins...

This is to be my first (and probably last, seeing how lame this is going to be) attempt at humor

This is to be my first (and probably last, seeing how lame this is going to be) attempt at humor. Please enjoy. **Sees audience gathering large baskets of smelly fruit.** Please.

(Oh, yeah, _italics mean the audience_, underlined means the author, **bold means an action performed by the audience or author **and this means the actual story. 'Kay?)

Harry Potter and the Badly Written Try at Humor

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue me. I never said I own anything. Don't sue me. It belongs to Rowling, Scholastic and Warner bros. (Did I say not to sue me?)

The morning broke on Hogwarts as Harry Potter rolled over in his four-poster bed. He saw Ron, Neville, Dean and Seamus all still asleep. He quietly rose and promptly tripped over a very large sack at the foot of his bed. 

'What the heck?' he thought to himself. He hefted the surprisingly light sack onto his bed and examined it. It seemed harmless enough. He didn't know how wrong he was.** _Audience begins to boo and hiss at the cliché_**. Harry frowns at the bag, and quickly pulls it open. Out of it spewed a hundred million white feathers that were sticking to everything in their path. 

"I am going to kill Fred and George Weasley!" Harry screamed, awakening his friends. With all of them awakened and hopping mad, it looked like an Engorgement Charm had been set on a chicken coop. **_A few weak laughs._ **

"Who's with me?" Dead silence enters the room. He then flies away the way he came. "Oh, come on! This is the fifth prank this year and we just got here yesterday. It has gone on long enough! Now are you with me?!" Dead Silence reenters the room and flies off just as quickly. _He just used that joke before! _As if you clowns could do any better? _Watch us! **The audience quickly throws together a story.**_

Once upon a time, there was Harry Potter, the boy who lived. He fought a really bad guy every year until Harry finally killed him. One day, upon waking up he found a bag. He opened it and found a bomb. It blew up him, Ron, and somehow, Hermione. No one cared and everyone went about with his or her lives. The End. So there!

****

The author stares with shock at the audience. That was even worse than mine! Now will you let me keep writing? **_The audience huddles._** Alright, we'll let you, but make it better! Fine!

Now, all of the fifth year boys were staring at Harry as if he had suddenly grown another head. And he had. His second head turned to look at him and said plainly, "Hello, I'm Harry Potter. And who would you be?" Harry stared in shock at his second head.

"Where did you come from?" he asked, dumbstruck. "Never mind." he said and quickly used a Severing Charm to remove it. 

"What the he heck was that?!" Harry screamed into the air. "Why'd you do that to me, you brainless git?" I thought it would add humor? "You wish!" Harry shouted. 

"And what about us?" Dean yelled upwards. "Me and Seamus are always overlooked by that J.K. Rowling and whenever we do make it in Fan fiction it's always slash! Even Neville gets more attention than us, and not by much! We want a gig!" Neville and Seamus nodded with him. 

Suddenly, Neville leapt through the air at Seamus and Dean to knock their heads together. I am writing this story so I control you. Now you guys and that stupid audience can just shut up and go with it! Okay?

_"NO!" _both the audience and the Gryffindors yelled. Suddenly, Hermione and Cho Chang entered the room and began to make out passionately with Ron and Harry. The kisses broke and Harry and Ron just sat there dumbstruck. You guys behave yourselves and this is what you get afterwards. Mess up…

Hermione and Cho backed up and turned into Snape and Malfoy. The two advanced on Harry and Ron. The two of them let out a high, shrill scream. "All right!" they screamed in unison. "We'll do it! We'll do it!" Snape and Malfoy disappeared. That's better. Now can we get on with this? It's getting late.

The sun was beginning to set on Gryffindor Tower and they still hadn't thought of a way to get back at the Weasley Twins.

"Tie all their clothes together with magical knots?" Neville suggested.

"No, too dull," Harry replied.

"Set fire to their dorm," Dean volunteered.

"No, too risky."

"Put them in girl Muggle girl's clothing that only they can't see," Seamus put in.

"Great!" Harry yelled jumping up, his feathers flapping. They still hadn't gotten them all off. "Anyone know how?" Dead Silence enters and hands Harry a card saying he's quit. He then exits for the last time. 

"Dang it," Harry said sitting back down. "He was the best running gag we had going."

**_The audience begins to nod off and snore heavily._ The author notices this and blows a Reveille on his bugle to wake them up.**

"I've got it!" Ron yelled, speaking for only the second time in this entire fic. "We enchant Malfoy and Snape to fall in love with them for 24 hours!"

All stare at him. "That is this sickest thing I have ever heard," Harry said slowly. "Let's do it!" he yelled. The five rubbed their hands together evilly. They were still rubbing them like that by daybreak. 

Ron ran over to the girl's dorm (still thinking of his reward at the end of the story) to borrow Hermione's copy of Moste Pontente Potions_. _Luckily, Hermione was awake and all the other girls were down at breakfast. Then again, let's try that scene over. Unluckily for him, Hermione was awake, as were all the other girls of Gryffindor's fifth year, all still in their nightgowns. 

"Eeeeeeeek! A boy!" they all screamed and leapt upon him all holding some very heavy object. They pummeled him mercilessly, until Harry came and rescued him and retrieved the book. Harry dragged Ron back and the four of them (Ron was unconscious at this point) turned to the page containing the Love Draught. It was a very complex potion, but, will wonders never cease, they had all of the ingredients in the dorm.

_And pigs will fly._ What was that? _We didn't say a thing. _Yeah, right. Now, shut up before I send you all to FanFic Character Heck.  **_The audience quickly shuts up._**

The five Gryffindor boys set about preparing the potion (Ron was now awake) in Neville's 16th cauldron and had it finished before Breakfast was halfway finished. Harry divvied it into two small vials. He handed one to Dean and kept one for himself.

"According to the book, we have to pour the potion into the drinks, and the instant after they drink it, we have to say the names of the ones we want them to fall in love with. I'll take Malfoy. You take Snape, Dean."

"But why me?" Dean asked bewildered. "Why not Ron or Neville or Seamus?"

"For the readers," Harry said simply. "They know if I do it, Gryffindor will lose a thousand points. Same goes for Ron. Neville would chicken out."

"That still leaves Seamus!" Dean yelled angrily.

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but then closed it in thought. "He's right you know," Harry called out into mid-air. "They don't know what Seamus will do either. You wrote it yourself, look." Harry pulled down a part of one of the earlier segments in the fanfic. He read, " 'Me and Seamus are always overlooked by that J.K. Rowling.' See? So why Dean?"

Because I wanted to. So there. Now just go along with this will you? Remember Cho.

Harry's eyes slid out of focus as he remembered Cho. "Like he says Dean, because he wanted to. Now let's go eat."

They quickly ran down to the Great Hall (seeing as how they ate nothing the other day) and went over their plan of action one more time. The plan finalized, the Gryffindor's strode casually into the Great Hall. Dean made a beeline for the High Table and Harry for the Slytherin table. 

"Excuse me, Professor Snape?" Dean asked nervously. Snape looked at him with confusion in his eyes.

"Who are you?" he asked in surprise.

"Dean Thomas," he said indignantly. Snape's face was still blank. "In fifth-year Potions class." Blank. "In Gryffindor. Wasn't in the British version of the first book." Snape quickly pulled his copy of the latest Harry Potter book and skimmed through it for his name. 

"Thomas. Thomas," Snape muttered as he flipped through. "Ah here it is!" He face instantly grew that cold and twisted face he got when dealing with Dean's class. "Yes, what is it?" 

Dean came around to the back of the High Table and pulled out his summer's homework. "In the Power-Up Potion, we were supposed to add five stewed frog's eye's, right? Well, I tried that and it exploded. What happened?" he asked while pulling out the vial of potion from his robe's pocket.

**_The audience begins to drift off again. _The author sees this again and slaps each and every one of them upside the head.**

"No, no, no, you stupid boy," Snape said evilly. "You add five-eighths of a cup of stewed frog's eyes, not five, and another thing…" Snape went on and on as Dean secretly poured the potion into his pumpkin juice. "That!" Snape yelled, causing Dean to jump and hide the vial back in his pocket.

"Thank you, Professor," Dean said in a stickily sweet, cheery voice. "Oh, you look thirsty, have some pumpkin juice." He handed the mug to Snape, who seemed to have already almost forgotten him again. 

"Thank you, my dear boy." He took a heavy swig of his Pumpkin juice and his eyes glazed over. "Fred Weasley," Dean muttered in his ear.

Professor Severus Snape had never felt this way before. He looked towards the Gryffindor table and fixed his eyes upon Fred Weasley. He had never seen such a beautiful boy. His hair a fiery red. **_Several audience members begin to look sick._** His eyes a deep pool of brown, which he could stare at forever. **The author begins to feel queasy typing this.** He wanted him so badly. **_All members of the audience begin to puke. _The author joins them. **

Meanwhile, at the Slytherin table Harry has it a bit more easy than Dean had. He just walked up to Malfoy and "accidentally" bumped into him, pouring the vial's content into Malfoy's goblet. Malfoy turned to stare at him in anger, but that look turned to passion he moved to put his arms around Harry. Harry leapt back.

"What the heck do you think you're doing?" he screamed at the sky! **The author (doubled over with laughter) goes back and undoes the previous three lines.**

Malfoy turned to stare at Harry in anger. "Watch it, Potter," he snarled turning back to the conversation he was (sort of) having with Crabbe. He took a drink of his pumpkin juice. His eyes glazed over and Harry knew that it was time to act. He sprung at Malfoy and hissed, "George Weasley" into his ear. 

Malfoy turned to look at the Gryffindor table. He fixed his eyes upon George Weasley. He had never seen such a beautiful boy. His hair a fiery red. **_Several audience members feel a twinge of déjà vu as they reach for their barf bags._** His eyes a deep pool of brown, which he could stare at forever. **The author begins to feel queasy typing this. But he continues anyway.** He wanted him so badly. **_All members of the audience begin to puke again. _The author joins them with the snack he had just eaten. **

As one, Malfoy and Snape stood up and began to walk towards the Gryffindor table.

Geez! I never thought it would be this long! If you want to hear the rest of this, please review this story. And sorry if I disgusted anyone (I disgusted myself). Keep reading and writing!

**__**


	2. It continues...

I'm back

I'm back! _Boo!_ **The author glares evilly at the audience, who is also back. _The audience shuts up. _**You guys loved me so much I am back with the next chapter! _That's a laugh. _What is? The fact that I have a new chapter? _No. That line about 'they really love you.' _**The author glares at the character, named Bob, and he vanishes in a puff of smoke to FanFic Character Heck. **Any more comments? No? Good. Now where we last left off, Snape and Malfoy were headed for the Gryffindor table, good? Good.(And I am very sorry for not posting this sooner, but I've been busy. No, I am not going to tell you with what! This is long enough all ready!)

(Oh, yeah, _Italics mean the audience_, underlined means the author; **bold means an action performed by the audience or author **and this means the actual story. 'Kay?)

Harry Potter and the Badly Written Try at Humor

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters that are in this story. If I did own them, I would be living in a mansion somewhere. Talking to Warner Bros. executives on the amount of money I'm making on all the licensed Harry Potter products. (Bitter? Me?) Also, I don't own the Wizard of Oz. You'll see what I'm talking about later.

The Great Hall was packed as it always was at breakfast. Snape and Malfoy wove their respective paths through the crowds. The two were almost there. The Gryffindor fifth-years were snorting behind their hands with barely suppressed laughter. 

Snape was the first to reach the table. He stood behind Fred Weasley. Fred was just bringing a forkful of chicken noodle pie up to his mouth when Snape said…_Hey, wait. What the heck is chicken noodle pie? What kind of food are you giving these characters? _Shepherd's pie, steak and kidney pie, chicken noodle pie, what's the difference? He's eating it isn't he? Now be quiet, or go to Bob. **_The audience looks back at the FanFic. _**That's better. **The author restarts the story.**

Fred was just bringing a forkful of chicken noodle pie up to his mouth when Snape said, "Mr. Weasley. I expect you have your five-foot long essay on Cooling Concoctions?" The Gryffindors stared in amazement. What was going on? _Our thoughts exactly. _

The look on Fred's face told him that he had no clue what the heck a Cooling Concoction even was. "No?" Snape asked silkily. "We'll discuss this matter in class." Snape walked towards the High Table where Professors Trelawney and McGonagall were playing footsies. _Ew. _Where did that come from?

Malfoy was venturing towards the Gryffindor table. The sick-puppy-dog-full-of-love expression was easily readable on his face. His hands were locked in front of him like a schoolgirl's and he was swaying. The Gryffindor boys grinned. "If we can't get Fred, at least we can get George back." Ron said, in a very evil tone of voice. The boys started to rub their hands together in that evil, mad scientist kind of way. Luckily, Harry remembered to tell them all to stop, or they'd be there all through the rest of the story.

Draco sauntered up to George. "Oh, Weasley," he purred in George's ear. George sat up with a start. He spun to face Malfoy. A fearful expression was beginning to dawn on his face. "I just want to say…" Malfoy gave a small twitch. "That I hear your family is so poor that they don't even have a house elf."

Draco Malfoy pondered this last put-down for a second. "What was that?" he asked the air. "'You don't even have a house elf'? How lame." Ah, shut up and get back into character. Malfoy, still shaking his head and muttering about inept writers turned back to George. 

"And that your car is so old, it's made of rock." Draco looked straight ahead in horror at the **extremely** lame joke he had just uttered. He threw his hands up towards the sky. 

Malfoy then walked away looking rather smug, seeing as how he can't walk any other way. The instant he was ten feet away from George he looked back at him, sighed, and skipped away. Harry and his friends were staring openly at Malfoy. All the rest of the Great Hall was too, having never seen a Malfoy skip. 

"Okay," Harry said, sounding like a fifteen year-old Patton. "We need to regroup, men. Lets meet back at the dorm at 0900 hours." All the rest of them stared at him. "Five minutes from now," Harry said with a sigh. "Oh!" the others all said, realizing what the heck Harry had said. Harry slapped his forehead. 

The five of them trooped back into the common room and headed straight up to the dorm. Seamus quickly closed and locked the door. He then collapsed onto a bed. Dean kicked Neville's cauldron spilling the rest of the potion onto the floor. The magical floors quickly absorbed it. 

"What could have gone wrong?!" he yelled frustrated. "We worked for a hard two seconds worth of reading on that potion! What could have gone wrong?" he repeated.

"I know exactly what went wrong," a female voice said behind them. They all quickly spun to see Hermione. She was leaning against the door's frame with her copy of "Moste Potente Potions".

Ron, wrongfully thinking the end of the story had come, yelled, "Thank you, author!" and ran for Hermione. His arms outstretched, he raced for her, his lips puckered. Hermione stood there calmly, flicking through her book. Ron was getting closer and closer to her. At the last second, Hermione whipped out a very heavy frying pan and held it out.

Wham! Ron ran right into it and was down for the count. _Hurray!_ Hermione quickly enervated him. _Boo. _"Now," she started. "I know what you did." The others all gaped at her.

"B-but how?" Neville choked. "How do you know? And how did you get in? Seamus locked the door."

"The author told me, and the Alohamora charm," she said simply. The boys all stared accusingly at the ceiling. **The author is whistling as innocently as he can. Which isn't very.** "Ahem," Harry coughed. 

What, you think it was me? The audience and the Gryffindor boys yell, "_YES!_" Well, it wasn't me. It was, uh, Bob. That guy I banished at the start. It, uh, it was, er, revenge! Yeah, he did it for revenge. Tell 'em, Hermi.

"It was him," she said simply. "And I hate being called 'Hermi'. I was with you up to that point." Drat. "Anyway, the author told me after Malfoy started skipping what was going on. I came up here found my book and the potion laying there. I analyzed it carefully, ran it through several tests and concluded it was a Love Draught. I looked up the page in my book and re-read its entry and all the entries pertaining to it, to see what you did wrong.. So, any questions?"

**__**

All members involved in this were staring at her mouths agape.

"You did all that?" Ron asked her and flinched, in case there was another frying pan. 

But all Hermione did was simply answer, "Yes."

"In the space of three paragraphs?" 

"Yeah." She was beginning to look at Ron like he was mentally slow.

"But you weren't in here," he said desperately.

"Your point being?" she said slowly.

"Okay then, fine," he said with a shrug, giving up.

**__**

The audience begins to drift off again. You think they'd learn. The author grabs a low-pressure fire hose and drenches them. _The audience wakes up and glares at the author who is holding the hose behind his back and whistling._

"It says right here what you did wrong. 'Unless this draught is concocted on the day of St. Valentine's Day, the user of said draft will only slobber over the person of the potion's affect when they are ten feet or more away.' See? Oh and it also says, 'If the taker is a Malfoy, then he will skip around until the potion wears off and all insults will be totally pointless.'" Hermione snapped the book shut. "Anymore questions?" 

Neville tentatively raised his hand. "Why would they use 'feet' in a British book?" For once Hermione didn't have the answer to a question. Realization dawned over her as she looked on the back. There was a small red line in the corner with a tiny white book. "Because it was printed in America. By Scholastic books."

"The best publisher in the world," Harry said to the audience, giving a thumbs-up and a wink. Now I definitely can't be sued. "So what do we do?" he asked Hermione. 

"Well to tell the truth, I'm really not too sure. Maybe we should see Dumbledore," she said, with a nod.

"WHAT?!" the boys all yelled at her. Her tall pointy witch's hat flew off her head. _Why don't the boys ever wear their wizard hats? _You know I was wondering the same thing just yester…hey! You guys need to be quiet. Remember Bob.

"We can't go to Dumbledore," Harry explained through gritted teeth. "It's illegal to create love potions. You know that!" 

Hermione gasped. "That's right. I just remembered! It is illegal! I can't be caught with fugitives! I don't want to go to Azkaban!" she shrilled. She ran for the door. Seamus jumped and stopped her by tackling her to the floor.

"Hermione, listen," Seamus said. "we are not going to Azkaban. It was a prank gone wrong." _Don't they sell that video on late-night infomercials?_ Shhh! "But if you think it's best, we'll go to Dumbledore. Right guys?" They all nodded eagerly. Seamus gently let Hermione up.

Two minutes later, (Hermione had to straighten her robes) the six of them were at the top of the steps leading down o the common room. 

"Ready?" Harry asked Hermione offering her his elbow. 

"Ready," she replied. All of them joined elbows.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh, we're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz! He is, he is, a wiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was! If ever, oh ever, a wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is one because; because, because, because, because, because! Because of the wonderful things he does! (Yah tada tada dada!) We're off to see the wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!" 

All throughout this little number, sung in perfect key, the six of them 'wizard walked' down the steps. Even Neville. _What the heck's a 'wizard walk'? _You know, that weird skipping kind of walk they have in the movie. **The author reads the last sequence.** You know this could be better.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh, we're off to…aaaaah!" Instead of signing on key and wizard walking gracefully, they sang off key, tripped and fell flat on their faces. _A great cheer arose from the audience. _I knew it.

After a quick recuperation period, they set off for Dumbledore's office. They quickly reached the stone gargoyle and began to guess the password. They failed miserably.

"Lemon Drop."

"Sherbet lemon"

"Cockroach cluster"

"Acid pops"

"Chocolate Fudge"

Hermione simply scoffed, stood in front of the gargoyle, and said, "Pencil shavings." The gargoyle sprang to life and got out of the way. Harry looked in confusion at the gargoyle.

"But I thought the password was supposed to always be the name of a candy," he said frowning.

"Take it up with the author," the gargoyle said. It was sipping a cup of coffee in an easy chair. All of them stared at it. "What?" it asked. "I'm on my break. I need one every now and then, too."

__

He's right. And I will. It is always supposed to be a candy. Can you say cliché? I wanted something different, so quit your griping.

Shaking their heads and muttering about inept authors, they set up towards Dumbledore's great office. Seamus, Dean, and Neville, not being on speaking terms with Professor Dumbledore, opted to wait at the bottom. The moving staircase… _Escalator._ I know that. I'm just writing what it says in the books. _Yeah, whatever. **With a poof of imploding air, Jimmy disappeared to the FanFic Character Heck. He met up with Bob quickly, seeing as how they are the only two occupants.**_ Now, back to the story. The moving staircase quickly moved up to the large wooden door with the griffin-head knocker.

Harry took the knocker in hand and knocked the griffin-head. The door creaked open. Out of nowhere, a streak of red and gold slammed into Harry. It started licking Harry on the face with a very small, thin tongue. Hermione and Ron pulled it off him and he got a good look at just who his assailant was. It was Fawkes.

"I do apologize," they heard a voice say behind him. They turn and see Albus Dumbledore standing there with a twinkle in his eye as par usual. "He's going through his mid-life crisis. He thinks he's a Retriever. Now if you excuse me, I am taking care of someone else at the present moment." He put Fawkes back into his cage (where a rubber chew bone lay) and proceeded to his back office. _He has a back office? _I'm warning you…

The three of them sat in large, squashy armchairs for a few minutes when they heard a long, moaning sob come from the back office. Looking at each other, they all rose and snuck over to the door. They could hear Dumbledore saying, "Now Severus, what is the matter?"

They heard the sobbing end and become stifled chokes. "Albus, I-I-I'm…I'm…I'm resigning. Effective tomorrow." Harry and Hermione heard a clunk from next to them. It was Ron. He had keeled over with joy.

Ta-da! One more chapter of one of the best humor stories ever written by someone who has no clue what he's doing. What do you think is going on? Why is Snape resigning? What will happen to Malfoy? Do the Weasleys get off scot-free? You tell me! I am expecting plenty of reviews and plenty of good ones. I have an idea for the next (and final) chapter! So stay tuned! Same ff.net time (well not really), same ff.net URL (unless of course, they change it).


	3. It ends...

Hello, all you happy people 

Hello, all you happy people! I'm back again! _Boo! Hiss! Get out of the fic!_ Oh, do shut up. Any hoo, this is sadly to be the last chapter of this story. 

**__**

The audience begins singing. Hallelujah! Stop that. As I as saying before I was rudely interrupted, this is to be the last chap-… **_The audience interrupts the author again to sing. _**Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Now, listen to me. You are going to stop that before I send every one of you to FanFic Character Heck! **_The audience quickly stops._** Thank you. Now like I said, this is to be the last… **_The audience begins singing again. _**Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle-Lu-Jah! That is it!

****

The author begins to send them all to FanFic Character Heck, but then thinks about it, realizing there will be no one left to read the story. So, he settles for turning them into chickens. _Buck-caw? Buck-caw!!! **The newly transmogrified audience-turned-chickens begins to cluck loudly and panicking like, well, a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. **_Now, if I change you back, do you promise to behave? **_The chicken audience nods vigorously and flaps their little white wings. _**Okay, then. **He turns them back into regular characters. **Now can I get on with this story? _Yes. Yes. Yes. No. _**The one member of the audience that says no, his name is Jimmy Bob, is then transported to FanFic Character Heck. He meets up with Bob and Jimmy and they then begin to plot revenge on the author. **

Alrighty then, now that that is settled, can I please get on with this? This is getting really, really long. **_The audience nods._** Excellent. Now, where we last left our heroes and heroine…_ Hee hee. Heroin. _Oh, do grow up. As I was saying, the group was outside of Dumbledore's office where Snape had just told Albus he was resigning. Also, Ron had just passed out with joy from hearing this. We now return to our regularly scheduled fanfic. (Firstly though, I'd just like to say that I would have gotten this out sooner, but I had an extreme case of writer's block.)

(Oh, yeah, _Italics mean the audience_, underlined means the author, **bold means an action performed by the audience or author **and this regular writing means the actual story. 'Kay?)

Harry Potter and the Badly Written Try at Humor

Disclaimer: I own not a single character in this fic. If I did own them, I would be swimming in a pool of money from all the licensed Harry Potter products. But I don't. Wish I did. But I don't. And the "Mahna-Mahna" skit belongs to the Muppet Show, which in turn belongs to the Jim Henson Co.

"Harry, oh my gosh, " Hermione gasped quietly, "did I hear right? Or are my ears failing me? Snape is going to be resigning?"

But Harry hadn't heard her. He was far too happy. He felt as giddy as a schoolgirl. But luckily he wasn't so giddy that he was giggling. That can cause brain damage. Just ask Parvarti and Lavender. No, he was just giddy enough not to hear Hermione. 

"Ron, did you hear-" Hermione started, but stopped as she remembered that Ron was unconscious again. She sighed and rummaged through her pockets for her wand. It was in her hair. After discovering the aforementioned tool, she quickly woke up Ron.

"Oh," Ron moaned quietly as he sat up. "That is going to leave a serious mark. Why is it I am always getting knocked out?" He reached up to tentatively touch one of the many lumps now on his forehead. 

"Just because," Harry stated. His giddiness had fortunately disappeared. "I'm the star of this whole phenomena." _Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo! _Shut up! He said "phenomena" not "Mahna-Mahna"!  _Doo-doo-doo-doo! _Ugh! "And Hermione is the brain's of the operation. You're just the loyal-boy-hostage-side-kick." Please note the following: The author actually likes Ron's character. He just likes to pick on him. He shrugged. "It's not my fault. You were just written that way."

"Just watch," Ron muttered darkly. "One day, my fans will rise up, quell your fame, and then I'll have my own series of best-sellers. And how many times more am I going to be rendered unconscious in this story?" he asked the air in a normal voice. Oh, just a few more times. Like now for example. At that, a small anvil fell from the ceiling landing squarely on Ron's head. _Hurray! _He looked up at the ceiling and said plainly, "I hate you." I know. I love having a scapegoat. He then passed out on the shag carpeting of Dumbledore's office.

Harry, however, was completely oblivious to that last statement. He was instead staring at the ceiling. "Where in the heck did that anvil come from?" He tried to poke the roof with a nearby staff to see if there was a passage up there. It blew a hole in the ceiling. Harry quickly put it down.

"I didn't do it."

Hermione shrugged and was very calm amidst the plaster that was raining down around her, and said, "Simple, Harry. It's just a hole in the plot." She commenced in waking up Ron with an Enervating Charm. _Boo. _

Ron was awake, but slightly woozy. "I'll get you my pretty. And your little keyboard, too." He then promptly went back to sleep. Hermione sighed and asked, "Can we get another plot hole down here, please?" ****

The author reaches behind him and pulls out an Acme Plot HoleÔ and then throws it down to Hermione. "Thanks much," she said cheerfully. She proceeded to reach in, pull out a set of jumper cables and a car battery, and then hook up a plug to each of Ron's thumbs. 

"Clear." She then put the other set of plugs to the battery for only a brief second. Which was long enough to send about 50 volts of electricity coursing though him. Ron sat up as fast as a cork popping out of a bottle. "Ay Chihuahua!" he yelled, his eyes bulging. He then sat back in one of the squashy armchairs to wait for his hair to stop smoking. 

"There," Hermione said. "Now to get back to the main plot of this story." Harry looked at her, obviously confused and said, "This story has a plot?"

"Yes, Harry," Hermione sighed. "Anyway, how do we keep Snape from resigning?" 

"We want to keep him from resigning?" Ron asked. He was rewarded with another anvil. Ron stayed conscious just long enough to say, "Ouchies." He then was sent back to La-La Land. _Whoo-hoo!_ Ah, the magic of literature.

This surprised Harry and Hermione, but they continued as if it hadn't happened. 

"Of course we don't want Snape to resign," she told the now prostrate Ron. "After all, it is your fault for coming up with the whole idea of a Love Draught," she added, trying to stir up some guilt. Ron just lay there. "If you and the other fifth-year Gryffindor's hadn't botched up the potion, then Snape wouldn't be resigning and in love with Fred Weasley." Ron still just lay there. "Ugh!" Hermione grunted and turned to start to yell at Harry, but her voice caught in her throat.

"What is it?" Harry asked her as she tried to sputter out a few words. She was pointing at him and trying to speak. "Out with it! Come on; just tell me what it is…" Harry stopped. "There's something really bad behind me isn't there?" he asked. Hermione nodded. Harry slowly turned to find him self nose-to-nose with a heavily breathing Professor Severus Snape.

Harry gasped, "Gasp!" Thank you. He slowly backed away, while Snape took menacing advances towards him. Soon, he found that his back was to Hermione, and he was out of room. 

**_The audience loudly munches on popcorn. _**Hey! This is supposed to be a climactic scene! _ **The author's words are drowned out by loud yells of, "Pass the Goobers!"**_ Fine. **The author pulls out his 2300 psi water hose and readies it.** Excuse me. Could you keep it down? **_The audience quickly shuts up._** Thank you.

Slowly Snape reached for his wand, his evil grin nearly breaking his face. In one swift move, he pulled out his wand, pointed it at Harry and yelled, "Boo!"

Harry fainted dead away. Hermione kicked him gently. "My hero," she grumbled with an eye roll.

Dumbledore quickly entered the room and saw the fainted Harry. "Now, Severus, did you really have to kill the boy? I was just starting to sort of like him."

"You know, when I think about it, I didn't like him that much," Hermione said thoughtfully. "It was always grumble, grumble, moan, moan, my parents are dead, must kill You-Know-Who."

Ron 'suddenly' woke up. "Ya know, I always did hate that little bugger. It was always 'Harry and Ron' when the Almighty J.K wrote it." He pointed at the ceiling. "But never 'Ron and Harry'. I was always the sidekick, like he said before."

Dumbledore smiled broadly. "Well, now that the twerp is dead. Shall we have some fun?" A great cheer arose and resounded through the halls of Hogwarts. The Egomaniac was dead! 

Harry's eyes snap open and he shot up. "You idiots! I! Am Not! Dead!" 

Snape pouted. "Darn it. I was this close." Well. I like it. But people would hurt me. So, let's rewind. 

Snape snarled. "I haven't killed the little idiot but I may yet!" He raised his wand and yelled, "Enervate!" Hermione jumped back in fright as a jet of light shocked Harry into consciousness. 

Harry blinked stupidly. _How does one blink smartly?_ Shut up! "What where am I? I dreamed I had died and gone to He…" He screamed as he saw Snape looming over him. "Ahh! I'm still there!" 

Snape rolled his beetle black eyes. "You aren't dead Potter. But you'll wish you were when I get through with you." Harry scooted back a little. 

"Professor, can't you take a joke? We just wanted to pay back Gred and Forge Weasley and we didn't mean to go so far and please don't hurt us!" Harry cowered before Snape. _Wait. The guy faces down Voldemort but he sobs at Snape's feet? Can you say OOC?_ **The author nods.** Yes, I can. OOC. Which is what this is.

Hermione poked Harry and pulled out her copy of the 'Harry Potter and the Badly Written Try at Humor' script. "Psst. Harry. Your line is 'We never meant to for this to go so far.' And with dignity!"

Harry straightened up. "Oh, yeah. The sobbing and cowering is from a slash fic I have later with Draco." **_The audience shudders._ The author joins them.**_ Ew._ For once I am inclined to agree.

"We never meant for it to go this far. It was just a joke on Fred and George Weasley. Don't worry. We have a batch of the antidote ready. Right, Hermione?"

"Uh, no, Harry, we don't."

"What do you mean 'No'?!" Snape screeched.

"The author never wrote about us making an antidote. So it never happened," she said with a shrug. 

Ron had by now waken up and was in a most unfortunate position. In other words, he was right between Snape and Harry. "Oh, dear. This is going to hurt."

Snape lunged at him and started choking him, ala Bart and Homer Simpson. "Why you little…!" Snape screamed has he tried to drain as much of the Potter child's life as he could. "You put me right!"

"Severus!" Dumbledore said sharply as he step in between the two. You behave yourselves this instant! Otherwise, I shall have to owl your parents!"

Harry and Snape just froze and blinked at Dumbledore, Snape's hands still entwined around Harry's neck. "Uh, sir, my parents are dead. By Voldemort, remember?"

The Headmaster thought about this for a second. "Oh, goodness me, you are right."

"That's right," a cold voice hissed behind them. They all whirled around to see the face of…President George W. Bush! _Huh?_ I'm kidding. They all whirled around to see the face of Voldemort.

"Gasp in shock! What are you doing here?" Hermione said, her knees quivering. "Better yet, how did you get in here?"

Voldemort pulled out a small piece of paper and shrugs. "It's in my contract. I have to be in 99.9% of all stories." He quickly stuffed it back into his cloak. "And it's quite simple you foolish little girl. I Apparated into the castle."

Hermione let out a high pitched gasp. "But that's impossible! No one can Apparate within the walls of Hogwarts!"

The Dark Lord shrugged. "Your point being, loud and annoying girl?" 

Hermione sputtered and glanced around. "It's impossible! There are all kinds of spells and enchantments and hexes and curses…"

Harry cut her off with, "What is the difference between a spell and an enchantment, anyhow? The Almighty JK never told us."

Everyone looked absolutely stumped at this intriguing enigma. Hermione was the first to break the silence.

"Harry Potter! Are you daft? Look! You-Know-Who is standing right there!" she screeched, pointing a finger at He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He twiddled his long, spindly fingers at Hermione.

But the rest of them were still puzzling Harry's question. "Maybe a spell is used on an organic object and an enchantment on everything else," Ron said, using up most of his vocabulary words from years gone by.

Meanwhile, Dean, Seamus, and Neville enjoyed a cup of coffee with the large stone gargoyle.

"I don't think they're coming back," Seamus said, raising his cup to his lips.

"You're probably right. Good coffee though. Don't you think Large Stone Gargoyle?" Dean asked.

"Indubitably," the Gargoyle replied, a pince-nez attached to his large, cracked nose.

Neville had fallen asleep, his thumb stuck in his mouth; his coffee was apparently decaf.

Oh, dear god. This is long. Which means…there will be another chapter!_ NOOOO!_ Yes! Stay tuned for another chapter of…**The Author's voice gets very loud** Harry Potter and the Badly Written Try at Humor! **_The audience shrieks in horror, as the scene fades to black._**


End file.
